pattithewicked

Yet another reason...

pattid68@aol.com — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 23:57:22 GMT

to consider voting for Barack Obama.

Just sayin'.

Stephen Baldwin on FOX

I Get Quoted...

pattid68@aol.com — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 19:53:09 GMT

... in a nicely-done article by Keath Low over at iParenting.

Crash, Bang, Boom!

It's a Pirate's Alphabet Contest!

pattid68@aol.com — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 18:53:23 GMT

Ahoy there! It's time for a Pirate's Alphabet Contest!

Everyone loves to buy books, and we're far more likely to buy one if someone else says something nice about it first. This is one of the reasons why online booksellers have become such a useful tool for readers -- it's a great way to hear what people REALLY think about a title before we spend money on it.

So here's the contest: first, go to Pirate's Alphabet: Patti Wigington. Notice that there aren't any B&N reviews yet -- it's time to fix that! If you have a copy of Pirate's Alphabet and you write a B&N review, I'll enter your name into a drawing. On July 15th, I'll randomly select a name from all the reviewers, and the winner will get the following:

(1) A signed copy of Pirate's Alphabet to be donated to the school, classroom, library, or kid-oriented non-profit group of your choice (with credit to you on the inside cover so everyone knows how great you are!)
AND
(2) A dozen Official Pirate's Alphabet Bookmarks (accept no imitations!) to share with your pals

Wow! How easy is that?! If you don't already have a copy of Pirate's Alphabet to review, there's still plenty of time to get one, either from Barnes and Noble or Moo Press. Just read, review, and send me a link, and you're automatically entered in the drawing! I'll post the name of the winner on my website and here in the blogosphere on July 15th.

Feel free to forward this to your friends and let them get in on the piratey action too! Good luck, and thanks in advance for playing along!

What am I supposed to do...

pattid68@aol.com — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 14:44:34 GMT

on Thursday nights, now that LOST has ended? It's not coming back until 2009. That's like eight months. I only watch like four shows anyway, so basically 25% of my television viewing has just vanished, thanks to a two-hour season finale that Kicked Total Azz.

*** Spoiler Alert*** Don't read anything else if you don't want to know how season 4 wrapped up. That's all I'm sayin'.

Things I'll miss on Thursdays:

1. Using my brain. LOST is not a show for people who don't like puzzles. Sure, each show answers a bunch of questions (Who's the guy in the coffin? Can they really move an island? Why isn't Sawyer one of the Oceanic 6?), but then it leaves you with a whole lot MORE questions. Things like: Why is that particular person IN the coffin? If the island moved, where did it go? What happened to Faraday and the Expendable Cast Members in the Zodiac boat? It's deliciously complex, as television should be.

2. The eye candy. Dear dog, I should be so lucky to get stranded on an island with people who look like Sawyer and Desmond. Mrow.

3. The snark of Ben Linus. Probably one of the best "is he or isn't he bad" guys to ever slither across a tv screen, Ben Linus is the shit. A master of well-aimed one-liners (Jack, I'd like your permission to go with John), and full of sneakiness and cunning (note how even wounded, he managed to kill a pair of desert nomads bare-handed), Ben is amazing. If Michael Emerson doesn't win an Emmy for this, he got robbed.

4. Vincent the Dog. The only character who hasn't had his own episode in four freakin' seasons, I think Vincent knows a lot more than he's letting on. He sees dead people, for one thing, and despite the fact that he wanders off a lot, always manages to turn up safe and sound. Give us a Vincent flashback, LOST writers!

5. Opportunities to make fun of Kate. Yes, I know all the guys think Evangeline Lilly is hot, but my god, Kate Austen is the most worthless character ever (well, almost... Charlie was even more useless once he kicked his heroin problem and stopped being interesting). She comes in really handy if you need someone to fall down or get held at knife point or cry. It's practically a drinking game -- Kate falls down, take a shot.

6. The flashbacks and the flashforwards. Each piece is like one more addition to the puzzle. We know Hurley was in an institution before, and we know he's back there now. We know Jack was a successful doctor, and now he's flying around hopped up on pain meds. We know Sayid is working for Ben, who is probably going after Penny (and by default, Desmond), and that Sun blames Jack and Widmore for Jin's death.

7. The freighter tots. Loved the Captain, loved the evil doc, loved the doomed Minkowski, and so help me, I do love me some Martin Keamy. Probably the most interesting character to appear since Ben snarked his way across the screen, Keamy just makes me drool. Partly because Kevin Durand is smokin' hot, but mostly because Keamy is just interesting. You wonder what the hell drives him, in addition to the money he's collecting for nabbing Ben. And yes, I know he's supposed to be dead now, but "dead" and "dead on the island" aren't always the same thing. I'm hoping we'll see him peel off his shirt and come stalking out of the jungle, all sweaty and wounded and growly. Yum.

8. Rose and Bernard. They're my favorite couple. I love that they love each other, and I want them to have more screen time.

9. Wondering if Penny would ever find Desmond. Oh, man.... I practically sobbed into my popcorn when the raft bobbed up to the boat Searcher, and people were chattering away in some language I didn't know, and the words "Miss Widmore" popped out. Okay, I admit it. I cried, damn it. I was so glad they found each other, especially after the way Desmond nearly died trying to make sure Penny was his constant, and called her on Christmas Eve.

10. Everything else. I want more LOST, and I want it NOW.

Really Important News!!

pattid68@aol.com — Sun, 18 May 2008 19:17:36 GMT

Zac has just done an experiment and the results are in.

It takes 590 licks to get to the center of a Toostie Roll Pop.

Remember that, in case anyone ever asks you.

Plan Your Apocalypse Parties Now, Folks, for May 2010!

pattid68@aol.com — Mon, 12 May 2008 18:04:23 GMT

So the elder heathen, who will finish high school in 2010, has just informed me that her class has been told that they're too golly-gosh-darn big to have their graduation ceremony at the school, so they're going to have it off-site.

Here.

Yeah, I'm going to be sitting in Rod Parsley's living room, which is literally around the corner. My friend Tater looked at me and said, "Shit, are you even allowed to go in there?"

I'm pretty sure that the roof will fall in if me an' Rod cross our streams.

Why Miley Cyrus Might Have to Kiss Her Career Goodbye

pattid68@aol.com — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 13:12:23 GMT

Unless you live in a cave, you've surely heard about the Big Miley Cyrus Photo Scandal. Little Miley, who plays Hannah Montana on the Disney Channel, did a photo shoot for Vanity Fair with legendary photographer Annie Liebowitz. As soon as the photos became public, Miley's people did some immediate damage control, talking about how the poor girl was "manipulated" by the evil photographer. What's hilarious is that Disney, which has worked with Liebowitz before on a LOT of moneymaking project, totally distanced themselves from Liebowitz and Vanity Fair, saying they had taken advantage of Miley in order to market a product -- um, hello, Disney? What the heck has "Hannah Montana" been for you guys for the last two years, but a moneymaking product?

Anyway, a few thoughts on this, in no particular order. First of all, Vanity Fair is a magazine for adults, not the tween girls who are "Hannah Montana's" target demographic. The girl is 15. Why would VF want her, and more importantly, why would her parents say, "Sure, we think it's great for you to be on the cover of this, it's so much better than Tiger Beat or Seventeen!" Secondly, Annie Liebowitz is a freakin' genius, but she's a genius who took a photo of Miley Cyrus looking like she'd just bonked off all three of the Jonas Brothers. It's a completely sexualized picture of a fifteen year old girl wrapped in a sheet, which is just icky, not artistic. You can bet your ass if some trucker in Duluth took that same picture of his fifteen year old neighbor, he'd be slapped with kiddie porn charges in a heartbeat. Finally, Miley herself is a pretty showbiz savvy kid -- after all, her dad is Billy Ray "look at my achy breaky mullet" Cyrus, so she knows how fleeting fame can be. Hannah Montana is an industry unto herself, and brings the Disney factory bazillions of dollars each year, so despite the fact that she's a kid, it's not like Miley didn't understand what the words "how about you take off your shirt and wear a sheet" meant. It meant Big Sales.

Unfortunately, Miley's (and her parents', and Liebowitz', and Vanity Fair's) poor decision may cost her. Because here's the problem. This has been the year of the Skanky Teen Starlets. In the past twelve months, parents have had to explain to their children -- and I do mean children, not teenagers -- why Nickelodeon's Jamie Lynn Spears is on magazine covers with "Pregnant at 16!" all over the place, and why there are stories on the school bus about naked photos of High School Musical darling Vanessa Hudgens all over the Internet. Miley is just the straw that has broken the camel's back. We're TIRED of having to explain stupid behavior by the people who are marketed as role models to our children. What makes this even worse is the fact that Disney and Nickelodeon market their shows -- and their stars -- as being wholesome, family entertainment. Miley Cyrus may be as virginal as the driven snow -- and frankly, I don't care if she is or not -- but what matters is that my kids will walk past the newsstand at the grocery store and ask me "Why is Hannah Montana just wearing a sheet on that magazine?"

Sure, I plan to take this opportunity to talk to them some more about taking responsibility for your choices (although ultimately I hold Miley's parents more to blame than anyone else in this whole thing), but you know what? I shouldn't have to have this conversation just because some people I don't even know made some really risky decisions about what to do with their daughter's career.

Don't get me wrong -- I don't *hate* Miley Cyrus, I actually think she's a really talented kid. But she's put herself in a position where she's going to take the backlash from parents, coming on the heels of the Spears and Hudgens scandals. If she's smart -- and I think she is -- she'll stay out of the limelight for a while, give us all a break, and then come back to focus on doing what she does best, which is entertain little kids.

Best Commercial on the Planet

pattid68@aol.com — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 12:35:54 GMT

xBox Pics

pattid68@aol.com — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 19:43:34 GMT

As some of you may have heard, I decided a couple of months ago to get a new car. I picked the Scion xB. It's not the sort of car I would normally have looked at, but my friend Jason showed up in one and I thought it was pretty nifty. Once I test drove it, and realized not only was it cute and fun, but that it would hold all three of my kids AND the Big Dog, I was sold.

It's the best car EVAH.

BookNerd Alert!

pattid68@aol.com — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 02:57:11 GMT

Ganked from rosewelsh, who always posts really neat stuff.

These are the top 106 books most often marked as "unread" by LibraryThing's users. Bold what you have read, italicize what you started but couldn't finish, and strike through what you couldn't stand. The numbers after each one are the number of LT users who used the tag of that book.

I've added exclamation points in for books I truly enjoyed.

Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell (149)
Anna Karenina (132)
Crime and Punishment (121)
Catch-22 (117)
One Hundred Years of Solitude (115)
~~Wuthering Heights~~ (110)
The Silmarillion (104)
Life of Pi: a Novel (94)
The Name of the Rose (91)
Don Quixote (91)
Moby Dick (86)
Ulysses (84)
Madame Bovary (83)
The Odyssey (83)
Pride and Prejudice (83) !!!!!
~~Jane Eyre~~ (80)
A Tale of Two Cities (80) !!!!!
The Brothers Karamazov (80)
Guns, Germs, and Steel: the fates of human societies (79)
War and Peace (78)
Vanity Fair (74)
The Time Traveler's Wife (73)
The Iliad (73)
Emma (73) !!!!!
The Blind Assassin (73)
The Kite Runner (71)
Mrs. Dalloway (70)
Great Expectations (70)
American Gods (68) !!!!!
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius (67)
~~Atlas Shrugged~~ (67)
Reading Lolita in Tehran : a Memoir in Books (66)
Memoirs of a Geisha (66)
Middlesex (66)
Quicksilver (66)
Wicked : the Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West (65)
The Canterbury Tales (64) !!!!!
The Historian : a Novel (63)
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man (63)
Love in the Time of Cholera (62)
Brave New World (61)
The Fountainhead (61)
Foucault's Pendulum (61)
Middlemarch (61)
Frankenstein (59)
The Count of Monte Cristo (59) !!!!!
Dracula (59)
A Clockwork Orange (59)
Anansi Boys (58) !!!!!
The Once and Future King (57)
The Grapes of Wrath (57)
The Poisonwood Bible : a novel (57)
1984 (57)
Angels & Demons (56)
The Inferno (56)
The Satanic Verses (55)
Sense and Sensibility (55) !!!!!
The Picture of Dorian Gray (55)
Mansfield Park (55)
~~One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest~~ (54)
To the Lighthouse (54)
Tess of the D'Urbervilles (54)
Oliver Twist (54)
Gulliver's Travels (53)
Les Misérables (53)
The Corrections (53)
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay (52)
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time (52)
Dune (51)
The Prince (51) !!!!!
The Sound and the Fury (51)
Angela's Ashes : a memoir (51)
The God of Small Things (51)
A People's History of the United States : 1492-present (51)
Cryptonomicon (50)
Neverwhere (50)
A Confederacy of Dunces (50)
A Short History of Nearly Everything (50)
Dubliners (50)
The Unbearable Lightness of Being (49)
Beloved (49)
Slaughterhouse-Five (49)
~~The Scarlet Letter~~ (48)
Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation (48) !!!!!
The Mists of Avalon (47)
Oryx and Crake : a Novel (47)
Collapse : How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed (47)
Cloud Atlas (47)
The Confusion (46)
~~Lolita~~ (46)
Persuasion (46) !!!!!
Northanger Abbey (46)
The Catcher in the Rye (46)
On the Road (46)
The Hunchback of Notre Dame (45)
Freakonomics : a Rogue Economist Explores the Hidden Side of Everything (45)
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance : an Inquiry Into Values (45)
The Aeneid (45)
Watership Down (44)
Gravity's Rainbow (44)
The Hobbit (44)
In Cold Blood : a True Account of a Multiple Murder and its Consequences (44)
White Teeth (44)
Treasure Island (44)
David Copperfield (44)
The Three Musketeers (44) !!!!!

The Kittehs are Loose

pattid68@aol.com — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 19:50:17 GMT

I took a picture of our rescued girl, Miss Cleopatra. She's really affectionate, and has taken to sleeping in one or the other twin's beds each night. This morning she was using Breanna's belly as a pillow, which was so damn cute I couldn't stand it. Okay, here's Cleo:

For those of you who can't get enough Catly Goodness, I should introduce Gypsy, the ten ton wonder.

Silly Memage of the Day

pattid68@aol.com — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 18:09:42 GMT

This one looked too good to pass up, ganked from rosewelsh...

1. ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet, current car): Truki Scion

2. GANGSTA NAME: (fav ice cream flavor, favorite Kind of shoe): Chocolate Croc... that's the best name ever

3. HIPPY NAME: (what you ate for breakfast, fav tree): Muffin Rowan

4. SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born): Deane Philadelphia

5. STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name: TonPa

6. SUPERHERO NAME: (favorite color, favorite drink): Purple Latte

7. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers/grandmothers): Mimi Margaret

8. STRIPPER NAME: (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy): Patchouli Peanut Butter Cup

10. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 4th grade teacher’s last name, a city that starts with the same letter): Dupree Detroit

11. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower): Autumn Thistle

12. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now) Banana Socks

Why I Love YouTube

pattid68@aol.com — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 17:36:29 GMT

Because they have a great sense of humor over there, and they're Rickrolling the shit out of everyone today.

For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of Rickrolling, it's a simple Internet phenomenon. People post a link to something that sounds really awesome or sexy (click here to see Britney Spears pick her nose! follow this link for Nigerian goat porn!) and then they link it to a URL for a Rick Astley video (typically it's "Never Gonna Give You Up"). You remember Rick Astley, right? The 1980s popper who looked like Howdy Doody and sounded like Michael McDonald? So anyway, the joke is that when you punk someone with the link, you can then say, "Oh, dude, you got pwned, I totally Rickrolled you."

So today, on YouTube, in honor of April Fools' Day, every single video link on their frontpage RickRolls you. No matter what you click.

That's one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

In Which I Announce a New Addition to the Family

pattid68@aol.com — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 22:37:10 GMT

No, not THAT kind of addition. Are you frelling nuts?

Friday afternoon, I took Cait and Zac over to Target to pick up a few things. As we pull into the parking lot, and I went to park behind another car, I saw this flash of gray and white. "Oh," thinks I, "a cat..."

So I peer under the car, and sure enough, there's a cat... at least, the ass end of it. Just a hind leg and a tail, because it had managed to haul itself up on top of the muffler. It was chilly that day, so I figured it was trying to get warm. Which of course left me the dilemma of what to do -- I could go into Target with the kids, but then what happens when the people come out and start their car up and drive away? So I sent the kids in to do the shopping, arming Cait with my purse and credit card, and sat outside on the pavement to see if I could coax the cat out.

This is where a lady drove by and asked me if I lost my cat. I said, "Well, it's not my cat, but it's stuck up in this car." She suggested offering it food -- apparently I must have looked like I had cat food in my pocket -- but then she offered me some Beggin' Strips. They're for dogs, but hey, Gypsy likes bacon (who doesn't?) so I figured I'd give them a shot. No dice. Cat sat in her warm perch and cried.

Next, the nice Somalian couple who owned the car came out. They weren't really thrilled about the whole situation, but at they were nice about it. So between the three of us, and a guy who was the cart jockey at Target, we spent 45 minutes trying to get the cat out. Finally I said, "You know, if we had a jack, we could lift the car up, climb under there, and grab the cat by its ass end."

Five minutes later, the car was elevated and Cart Guy had the cat in hand. I tossed my coat over it, wrapped it up, and put it in my car -- right around the time the kids came out of the store. So now, Gentle Reader, I have another cat. She spent the weekend sleeping, eating, and sleeping some more, and informs me her name is Cleopatra. Gypsy is NOT amused, and Tanner (ever friendly) thinks he has a new toy. However, the new toy mostly just hissed and growled at him.

Today Cleo went to the vet. Not only do I have a new cat, I have a healthy and VERY PREGNANT cat. She's so pregnant we're hoping she doesn't deliver kittehs before her surgery appointment next morning. She's also got burns to two of her paws (probably from climbing up on hot mufflers), and a bit of intestinal yuck, but all will be taken care of tomorrow when she is under anesthesia. She's a lovely girl, and I'll post photos once she's cleaned up, de-greased, and recovered from surgery.

In the meantime, she better not be poppin' out kittehs in my lingerie drawer.

A Hundred Random Things About Me

pattid68@aol.com — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 15:13:06 GMT

1. I hate the taste of Peeps.

2. My favorite color is purple, followed closely by black.

3. I have three tattoos, and each one means something special to me.

4. I love the smell of my garden first thing in the morning before the dew has evaporated.

5. My first crush was on a boy named Kenn McCartney. He was in all my elementary school classes, and had red hair… thus setting the stage for many future redheaded-man-crushes throughout my life.

6. When I was in second grade, my teacher (whose name I forgot but it started with M) called me out in front of the class and asked me if I was bored. In front of the class, I answered, "Yes, I am." It did not go over well.

7. In third grade, my teacher Mrs. Feinblum marked a spelling word wrong -- "forward", because I had put two R's in it. My mom called her and pointed out that "forward" does indeed have two R's… it's not "foward".

8. My son is one of the funniest people I know.

9. I hated high school, because I was homely and shy and unpopular.

10. I got over it shortly after graduating, because that's when I realized that I didn't care what people thought of me. It was a liberating moment.

11. My favorite movie is "Gladiator," for a variety of reasons. Partly Russell Crowe, partly because there's something about swords and battle that sets my blood pounding.

12. The only movie I've ever walked out of was "The Avengers." I should have walked out of some others.

13. I suck at driving a stick shift.

14. My first job was at McDonald's for $3.35 an hour, which was minimum wage back when I was in high school. It sucked, but I made some good friends. I also smelled like French fries for two and a half years.

15. One of the girls I worked with was Amber Winkowski, whose name always fascinated me. She also happens to be the daughter of MaryAnn Winkowski, the "Ghost Whisperer".

15. I quit McDonald's because I knew they were about to fire me for an unflattering cartoon I drew of the franchise owner and district manager. Someone stuck it on the employee bulletin board.

16. My next job was managing a Little Caesar's pizza.

17. I left home and moved to South Carolina with my best friend Sharon when I was 19.

18. Sharon came back to Ohio. I stayed in Charleston for ten years.

19. I love the sound of bagpipes, and "Amazing Grace" makes me cry.

20. Before I die, I want to visit Scotland, England, Egypt, Rome, and Alaska.

21. I know the experts say everyone has considered suicide at least once, but I honestly never have. I have, on occasion, wondered what it would be like to freefall out of a twentieth-story window, but simply out of curiosity about the sensation, rather than a desire to splatter on the pavement and end it all.

22. I rarely drink alcohol, and I quit smoking six years ago.

23. I'm a huge Jane Austen fan, which for some reason surprises people.

24. My favorite TV shows are no longer on the air -- Firefly, The Adventures of Brisco County Jr., and Rome. All, fortunately, are available on DVD for my viewing pleasure.

25. I met Bruce Springsteen on an airplane when I was twelve. He bought a separate seat for his guitar. I sat next to Miami Steve Van Zandt.

26. Years later, I got hit on by a member of the GooGoo Dolls when I worked at Myskyn's bar in Charleston, SC. I briefly considered the opportunity, and then realized I couldn't get past his bad teeth. A girl has to have SOME standards, neh?

27. I was reading Shakespeare and Tolkien when I was nine.

28. I read Stephen King for the first time when I was about ten, and he scared the crap out of me. I'm still letting him scare me thirty years later.

29. My favorite computer game is Civilization III. World domination is fabulous. I typically play as either the Romans (Patticus Maxima Glorius) or the Celts (Patticaea).

30. I'd like to play World of Warcraft, but I recognize that it would become an addiction.

31. The first movie I remember seeing in a theater was Star Wars, in a drive-in in California with my parents.

32. I far preferred Han Solo to that whiny-ass Luke Skywalker. Still do.

33. My cell phone plays Darth Vader's Imperial Death March when I get a text message.

34. If I could do it all over again, I'd go to college and be an archaeologist, with a focus on early European warfare and weaponry. And I'd totally dress like Lara Croft, Tomb Raider.

35. The only guy who ever broke my heart is now someone I consider a friend, and that's a nice thing.

36. I played Dungeons and Dragons for years.

37. My first attempt at a novel was an absolutely abysmal piece of work set in the future on a Tattooine-like planet, with a main character who was just too damn good to be true.

38. I still have the manuscript.

39. In high school, I filled three notebooks with ongoing stories that my friend Lisa begged me to write -- it was about our adventures, and was basically Miami Vice fanfic.

40. I still have those notebooks.

41. I like characters who are flawed and damaged.

42. I prefer YA fiction to most adult novels. YA authors have to work harder to prove themselves, because teens and kids are an audience that simply won't finish the book if they don't like it. Adults will read damn near anything.

43. I've never watched the Oprah show.

44. I've never owned a CD by anyone who appeared on American Idol.

45. I once dated a guy who turned out to be gay. I found out he was gay years later, when one of my friends -- who also happened to be gay -- mentioned it in casual conversation. I was actually kind of relieved.

46. When I was a kid, I liked the way my name looked if I wrote it in cursive backwards. I'm sure my teachers thought there was something wrong with this.

47. In fifth grade, they sent me and a kid named Jason to math class with the seventh graders. I hated it, because seventh graders are mean when fifth graders come sit in their math class.

48. I moved to Ohio in seventh grade, and that was weird because all of a sudden I had no friends.

49. My parents made me take golf lessons. It sucked, because I (a) thought golf was stupid and (b) didn’t like any of the other kids in the class.

50. When I was about ten we went to the Bahamas. My parents sent me and my brother out on this snorkeling expedition, and a storm came up out of nowhere, and I was pretty sure we were going to die.

51. That same trip, my feet got so sunburned that they blistered, and I could barely walk.

52. I'm pretty sure if I ever visit the Bahamas again, it will be a much better trip.

53. I want to own some land somewhere with lots of woods and a creek and no neighbors.

54. I've only attended two funerals in my life. They were twenty years apart.

55. Sometimes in February I forget that my grandfather is dead and I look at birthday cards for him.

56. I'm a Libra. One would assume this makes me a balanced person.

57. My hair has been blonde, red, black, and even pink. Sadly, it doesn't hold the pink for long.

58. I love Legos.

59. I hate the smell of roses.

60. I use cloth grocery sacks at the store, which for some reason confuses the hell out of the cashiers at WalMart. They'll put my stuff in a plastic bag and then drop it into the cloth sack. WTF?

61. I love Mythbusters and Dirty Jobs and Survivor Man on the Discovery Channel.

62. I don't have any idea what shows are on the major networks, other than Lost.

63. I've been poor, and I've been not-poor. I like not-poor way better.

64. I took a test that classed me as having both a narcissistic personality and a borderline sociopathic personality disorder. The test also informed me that I lack empathy for others. I found this interesting.

65. I have lots of empathy for those who are worthy of it, but none for the stupid. I don't feel obligated to feel anything for the human race in general.

66. I have mad Internet skillz. The Google-fu is strong in me.

67. I've been a practicing Pagan since I was 19. I've been Wiccan for three years. I've never been Christian.

68. I have no tolerance for Pagans who insist on bashing Christianity, just because it didn’t satisfy their needs.

69. When I was about six, my parents sent me to Sunday school -- at my request, so I could "see what the other side had to say." Apparently that didn’t last long, because I don’t even remember it.

70. I eat sunflower seeds with the shells on, much to the horror of my family.

71. My kids are amazing.

72. I prefer coffee and tea and water to anything carbonated.

73. The first time David kissed me, I knew he was the one for me.

74. My favorite characters in literature are: Jamie and Claire Fraser, Fitzwilliam Darcy, and Edmond Dantes.

75. I've done CPR on people who were dead.

76. One of them came back.

77. I've delivered or helped deliver three babies (not my own).

78. When I die, I'd like my funeral to involve a Viking ship, lots of fire, and a sacrificial white bull. Eunuch priests would be a bonus.

79. The coolest car I ever had was a 1967 Chevy Impala SS convertible. It had a 327 in it, and was Arrest Me Red.

80. I have a MySpace page, a LiveJournal page, and my own domain. I also run websites for three non-profit groups, and I host an About.com site.

81. I spend a lot of time on the internet.

82. I go to the gym three to four days a week. I work out for an hour each time.

83. I like to sew.

84. I love the Ohio Renaissance Faire, and when I go, I go in costume.

85. I used to love the Dublin Irish Festival, but then it got so big that it's hard to enjoy as much.

86. I've traced my ancestry back about eleven generations. I have about 10,000 people in my family database.

87. I got stuck at William Fleming, born 1722 in Denny, Stirling.

88. I look good in plaid, particularly those with lots of greens.

89. I prefer tank tops to real shirts, swirly gypsy skirts to dressy ones, and jeans to pressed slacks.

90. All of my socks have designs or holiday stuff on them. I don't own any white ones at all.

91. I own a massage table and a hot rock spa. I use them when I Reiki people.

92. I'm afraid of spiders.

93. I believe in ghosts, but other than cat spirits, I've only seen a full body apparition once. I've felt presences plenty of times though.

94. I'd love to visit Muncaster Castle in England, where my great-something grandmother worked, and do a ghost hunt. The owner has told me I'm welcome there any time.

95. I'm a really good cook, and can whip together just about anything without even bothering to use a recipe.

96. I'd love to be on Top Chef: The Amateur Edition. Bourdain, call me!

97. I've never been arrested, but I've been fingerprinted.

98. I like to lay in the grass and look up at the moon.

99. I decided when I was seven that I was going to be a writer.

100. I'll always write stuff.

Pirate's Alphabet on YouTube!

pattid68@aol.com — Sun, 23 Mar 2008 13:57:42 GMT

My awesome illustrator, the lovely Kit Umscheid, has put together a Pirate's Alphabet montage on YouTube. Check it out!

If you haven't gotten a copy yet, you can pick it up in Barnes & Noble stores, or order it online at BN.com or Amazon. When you get yours, send me your snail mail address and I'll send you a signed pirate bookplate!

Top Chef: Your Top Ingredients

pattid68@aol.com — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 14:47:47 GMT

Ok, a follow up to yesterday's Top Chef post. A friend and I were discussing the show, and how each of the contestants was allowed to bring a certain number of items from home along with them. Basically, the things they can't cook without. My friend mentioned that he'd bring things like peanut butter and mayonnaise that they might not have in a Top Chef style kitchen (note that in this season's Ep1, only Richard was wise enough to bring mayo, and Andrew had to make some out of eggs and oil when he discovered there was none in the pantry). But I don't use mayo that often, and the only time I eat peanut butter with anything other than a spoon is if I'm making a dipping sauce for my broccoli. But there ARE a few seasonings and such that I love, that I put in a LOT of dishes I make. Things that might not appear in a Reality Show Pantry, but that are ALWAYS plentiful in a Patti Pantry. The things I'd take with me -- both food and gizmos -- are, in no particular order:

1. Penzey's Bicentennial Seasoning. It goes with anything.
2. Better than Boullion. It's a bit like Marmite in texture, but has a beef base, like Bovril (which you can no longer get in the US, thanks to Mad Cow issues). Makes anything taste like meat.
3. Curry powder. Because like garlic, you can never have too much.
4. My Pampered Chef food chopper.
5. Lime salt. Adds a bit of zip and zap to just about any Mexican-inspired dish.
6. Chickpeas. Because when you run out of ideas or time, you can always make hummus and jazz it up with something fun.
7. Quinoah. It's a great base for any meal from meat to soup, and takes on the flavoring of whatever seasonings you use. It's light and nutty, and it's good for you too.
8. Goat cheese. A little bit goes a long way.
9. My garlic press. It beats the hell out of having to peel and chop those puppies.
10. Rosemary. If at all possible, I'd bring a pot of it, so I could have it fresh each time. Yum yum.

Alright, my friends. If your idea of cooking involves more than just "Open box, remove film", what would be your top ten items you'd take along with you?

I'm Back!

pattid68@aol.com — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 17:36:51 GMT

Yeah, yeah, I know it's been like a month or so since I posted. Been busy working on really important stuff like driving my new car (pics to come if it ever stops raining/snowing/sucking in central Ohio, working on some home improvementy kind of projects, catching up on reading (check out Conn Iggulden's Genghis -- he's beginning yet another awesome series about a guy who ends up dominating a significant part of the world). Anyway, I've been enjoying the hell out of myself because this season I am DVRing not one, not two, but THREE shows on television. Yes, Patti has THREE shows she likes. Naturally, LOST is on there, and Ghost Hunters as well. But really my true Dirty Little Reality Show Addiction is...

Top Chef.

Oh yeah, baby, I said it. I got hooked on it last season, when I discovered it during a late-night remote control surf session, and I've been stuck on it ever since -- and yes, damn it all to hell, Dale Levitski got totally robbed in the final episode... I <3 Dale and wish I had a gay brother I could hook him up with. Part of it is that I love the food -- who knew you could do so many different things with a whisk and a jar of balsamic, or make quinoah into something fun? I love to cook and try new stuff, so this is perfect.

I adore the judges and have a secret crush on Anthony Bourdain. He's snarky and crass and smokes too much, but dear dog, he says what we're all thinking ("That's the worst thing I've ever put in my mouth"). Tom Colicchio is slightly more polite, but tells it like it is. Padma Lakshmi is a bit annoying, but she's clearly not stupid, so you can overlook the fact that she often says things she's not really qualified to say at all. Guest judges pop in periodically -- in addition to Bourdain, there's Rocco diSpirito (who's not only an awesome chef, but nice on the eyes), and Ted Allen, who always makes me laugh.

Then there are the contestants. Some you hate, some you love, and some... well, some surprise you. Kiwi Mark and his Marmite pizza... wtf? And yet it seemed to work, and he managed to redeem himself from his disastrous almost-elimination in Ep1, by cooking some serious Vulture Food in Ep2. I adore the couple from San Fran, Jen and Zoi -- I think Jen is a far stronger cook than Zoi, and she's probably not going home any time soon. Andrew is cocky and hyperactive, but clearly showed that he knows what he's doing when he doesn't let his ego get in the way. Dale is trying really hard to be this season's Hung, but hasn't yet impressed me with either his attitude or his skills. Ryan just seems lost, and Erik is out of his element, although not with the sense of desperation that we saw in last season's Howie.

My picks for the top contenders? Mark and Andrew for sure. I think Stephanie has a lot of potential if she steps outside her comfort zone and lives a bit more dangerously -- playing it safe is going to bite her in the ass. Antonia and Nikki look good too -- and Richard will do well if he stops trying to impress people with his "molecular gastronomy" (a phrase that makes me want to molecularly vomit).

I can't wait till next Wednesday.

Oh, and for those of you who think there's no way you'd enjoy a show about people cooking, there's always the Top Chef Drinking Game. Important game tip: eliminate the Padma rule, and watch out if Bourdain is on, because you could end up under the table by the :30 mark.

We're a Nation of People Who Think We Suck

pattid68@aol.com — Wed, 13 Feb 2008 18:57:03 GMT

I just have to rant, so bear with me.

I work part time in a Big Chain Bookstore, and it's occurred to me on more than one occasion that there is a significant amount of shelf space dedicated to the Self Help Section. I mean, a LOT of space. Something like eight or ten bays. There are books on how to make yourself better, how to like yourself, how to feel better about your childhood, how to repair your damaged self esteem, how to make your body better, thinner, more like a celebrity's, ad nauseum.

If someone studies our society a couple of hundred years from now, we're going to look like an entire nation of fat and unhappy people, who have to be told by experts what to like about ourselves.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret -- I've never bought a self-help book. And here's why: I don't think we need to focus on Self Improvement. I think we need to spend more time on Self Acceptance.

I like myself. I like my family, I like my kids, I like the person I am. I like my body, despite the fact that I haven't worn a size seven since I was 23. I like the foods I eat, the car I drive, the people I hang out with. I don't need to fix damaged relationships, because I don't have any -- and those I had that were damaged, I left by the curb years ago. I don't someone to show me how to have a better sex life, because mine is great, thankyouverymuch. I don't need Dr. Phil encouraging me to give myself more Me Time, because damn it, I already HAVE "me time".

Every time Oprah profiles another new Here's How to Fix Your Fucked-Up Life book on her show, I end up with nine thousand people looking for a copy... and all I can feel for them is pity. I'm sorry you need a stranger to show you how to be happy. But maybe if we spent less time worrying that our life is fucked up, and more time accepting the fact that we might just already Be Fine, then there'd be no need for ten bays of Self-Improvement titles. Maybe we should just like ourselves for who we are, and not despise our lives for what we aren't. Otherwise, we'll spend all our lives trying to achieve something we can't attain, when the thing we need most was here all along, and we were just too dumb to realize it.

The Absolute Write Road Trip Adventure

pattid68@aol.com — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 15:02:32 GMT

A follow-up to my post from the other day...

It all began last week, on Tuesday night, when a bunch of vicious storms ripped through parts of Tennessee. People were killed, there was devastation everywhere, and the destruction was horrifying. On Wednesday morning, I logged on to Absolute Write and learned that one of our own, NerdsRUs, had been caught up in the path of the storms. Nerds was safe but scared, and wanted nothing more than to get back to her home state on the east coast. Unfortunately, she didn't have a car, and flying or taking the bus or train was out of the question, because she has two cats she couldn't leave behind.

Almost immediately, the AW community mobilized, asking, "What can we do to help?" Jason stepped right up, offering to pick Nerds up in western TN and take her some of the way home, if other drivers could do the same. A few folks send him messages, and pretty soon the entire operation takes on a military-precision quality, coordinated by Jason. Meanwhile, those who can't offer to drive begin making Paypal donations to cover things like gas and other expenses that Nerds might incur. Jason posts a map, and mentions that his part of the trip puts him on the road for something like 36 hours. This is where I step in, and point out that if he can get Nerds to Columbus, I can take her to Sara in Pennsylvania, and in the process shave about eight to ten hours off his drivetime. The new map is posted. All comes together like clockwork, many emails and text messages sent, and sure enough, on Friday morning Jason leaves his home in southern Georgia and heads to Tennessee. He collects Nerds (and her son Kevin, and her two kitties) in the middle of the afternoon, and heads for Ohio. Finally, around 130 am, they arrive at my house. They're tired, but everyone's safe, and we all crash out.

Now, while all this is going on, the folks at AW are following along in real time. People are literally hitting "refresh" every ten minutes to check the thread for updates to what's going on. Paypal donations are still rolling in to assist with funding for the mission, and all kinds of stuff is happening. Despite a slight thread derailment about the fact that NOTHING rhymes with Connecticut, Jay (III) begins to write a song, lots of silly graphics appear, Trish starts up a gift basket, and Kevin puts together the beginnings of a very moving poem. While I'm at work Friday night, no less than half a dozen emails arrive in my in-box, asking "Are they there yet?" It's that sort of community -- it's one where people worry and care and stay up all night for one another. Few of us have ever met in person and yet we have a bond, the sort that makes us jump up and say that we'll help out, without even thinking twice, when someone needs it.

Saturday morning, the sun rises and I make breakfast for our weary travelers. My son thinks this is all very exciting and mysterious, what with strangers arriving in the middle of the night from a storm-ravaged place far away. My girls miss out on the fun, both of them having spent the night sleeping at friends' homes. We all have breakfast together, and before long we're chatting like we've known each other for years. Jason is absolutely hilarious, and is the kind of guy who just makes you feel safe. I can't think of anyone more perfect for being Nerds' first transporter on this road trip. Nerds herself is still a bit dazed and confused by everything that's happened in the past few days, but she's sweet and friendly and extremely cooperative -- I probably could have gotten her to drywall my basement for me if I had just asked, she was so darn agreeable. We take a few pictures, I admire Jason's Toyota Scion and all his gizmos and gadgets, and soon enough we're on the road. Lots of hugs exchanged all around.

That's Kevin on the left, Nerds (Laurel), my son Zac, Jason, and me.

Jason heads back to Georgia, and I drive east with Nerds & Son. We have nothing but blue skies and sunshine as we travel, despite the fact that Sara has texted me with a message that there's snow -- a LOT of snow -- near Altoona, which is where we'll be making the drop-off. Nerds is worried that we might be in for bad driving conditions, but I don't sweat it -- I drive in snow every year, so it would take a hell of a lot for me to pull off the road and wait it out. The highway gets hilly, the mountains appear, and the ride is full of amazing vistas off in the distance. We talk about all kinds of things, I admire the cats (who were the best behaved traveling cats I've ever encountered), and before we know it, we're in Altoona. We land at the Panera on I-99, which is where we're to meet Sara, half an hour early, so we dig in for lunch. A few minutes after 2:00, Sara and her sister arrive, and she's warm and funny and we have a great time. We hang out for a while, just because we're having fun. In fact, Sara and I determine that Tom Cruise is actually the Burger King Chicken. We probably should not ever be allowed to drink together.

There's Sara, Nerds, me and Kevin at Panera. I'm sure the locals thought we were odd.

We part ways, lots more hugs for everyone, and I head back to Columbus. I call Caitlin, and ask her to update the folks at AW, because I know they worry. In fact, they'll worry until every single one of us is home safe, and that's why I love these people so much. I have clear sailing all the way back, and spot a huge brilliant rainbow in the rearview mirror. By the time I can pull over to take a picture, though, it's gone. I stop in West Virginia to use a restroom and learn that the Welcome Center closes at 5:00, so apparently people who have to pee must do so before 5:00. I land in my driveway around 7:45 pm. Jason arrives home shortly afterwards, and instantly cobbs together a video of his part of the ride -- I'll never hear "Sister Christian" quite the same way again. Meanwhile, Jay III sets Kevin's poem to music, and actually begins recording it as a song. It's entitled "The Flight" and is on his MySpace page. It's actually quite good.

Over the course of the next 24 hours, Sara gets Nerds deposited in a hotel in Allentown, PA, and then Trish picks them up and takes them to a friend's in Massachusetts, where they'll stay until they can find an apartment. By 5:15 Sunday afternoon, Nerds is home again. Sara and Trish both make it home safely too.

For anyone who has a couple of hours to kill, the entire thread, complete with derailments, is here: URGENT: Help Needed.

Within just a few short days, not only did all of this take place, but hundreds of people tuned in online to see it transpire. They worried about us, they supported us, and they told us how much they cared. Simply because a community exists online rather than "in real life" doesn't make it any less of a community -- it's merely a different kind. We had never met each other, but not one of us hesitated to step in when one of our own needed assistance. It's a group I am truly honored to be part of, and I am proud to call every single one of them my friends.

In a Rather Odd Twist of Events...

pattid68@aol.com — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 21:09:23 GMT

it appears that on Saturday, I'll be driving to Altoona, PA, and back again, as part of a complex railroady sort of system, in which I am the second of five legs.

Long story short, someone I've never met needs help. One of my fellow writers over on Absolute Write lives in Tennessee, in one of the towns hit by the other night's storms. She needs to get home to her mom's house on the east coast, and has no car. She can't fly or take a bus because she has two cats.

Thus, the railroad system. Jason will drive from near Atlanta to western TN and pick her up. They'll arrive at my house sometime after midnight Friday. The next morning, Jason heads back home, and I'll drive Laurel to PA and drop her off with Sarah, who will take her on the next leg of the journey. A few drivers and a couple of hundred miles later, she and her furbabies will be safe once more.

My husband asked me why.

I said, "Because I can."

Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-dom!

pattid68@aol.com — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 18:21:24 GMT

Although I'd really rather be Maximus or Lara Croft, Tomb Raider, I'm apparently William Wallace. Pass the haggis.

Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as William Wallace

The great Scottish warrior William Wallace led his people against their English oppressors in a campaign that won independence for Scotland and immortalized him in the hearts of his countrymen. With his warrior's heart, tactician's mind, and poet's soul, Wallace was a brilliant leader. He just wanted to live a simple life on his farm, but he gave it up to help his country in its time of need.

William Wallace

100%

Captain Jack Sparrow

71%

Maximus

67%

James Bond, Agent 007

67%

Indiana Jones

67%

The Amazing Spider-Man

63%

Lara Croft

58%

The Terminator

54%

El Zorro

54%

Batman, the Dark Knight

54%

Neo, the "One"

54%

I'm All Official and Stuff

pattid68@aol.com — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 18:54:52 GMT

As of January 29, 2008, I am officially licensed by the state of Ohio to solemnize marriages. This means I'm legally recognized Pagan clergy, after all these years of studying.

I feel kinda special, but I wouldn't have been able to do this without my APs/mentor/friend Angee, who has helped and supported me throughout this journey.

I've already been contacted by a couple who wants me to do their handfasting ceremony at this year's Renaissance Faire, so hopefully everything will work out with that. In the meantime, Spring's coming, and love is in the air... let the festivities begin!

:::throws rose petals at all of you:::

Super Bowl Musings

pattid68@aol.com — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 18:53:35 GMT

So I have to admit right off the bat, I'm not a huge fan of pro football, although I've developed a slightly better understanding of Teh Rulez lately, which makes it slightly more enjoyable. However, I do like watching a good competition of any type, so I figured I'd catch at least some of the Super Bowl... and then it turned out really all I had to watch was the last quarter.

But anyway, the real treat was the half time show.

Yes, I said it. The half time show. Usually it's totally lame, with a bunch of cheesy dancers, songs I've never heard of, and poorly planned "wardrobe malfunctions."

This year, though, it was Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. Yeah, I know, that's what I thought too -- "Tom Petty at a half time show? WTF?" I mean, Tom isn't the guy you play when you want to energize people. Tom Petty music is for sitting around chilling with a beer in one hand and a joint in the other. Tom Petty is Mellow Man.

But it turned out it was actually fun to watch him on the Super Bowl stage. I saw TP&THBs at the Blossom Music Center back around 1986 or so, and was always impressed by the fact that he sounded as good in concert as he did on the radio.

2007 is slightly different. The past two decades haven't been terribly kind to Tom -- an odd looking man before, now he's positively cadaverous looking. He's never had a great singing voice, sounding kind of thin and reedy, but he's just compelling as all hell to watch. By the time they rolled into Running Down a Dream, I had sort of forgotten that I was watching a halftime show. It was more like a stroll down memory lane, getting together with an old friend who just resurfaced... looking a bit worn, but still the same guy, nonetheless.

Oh yeah, and the Giants won :)

LOST is Back!

pattid68@aol.com — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 18:19:55 GMT

O joyous day of days!

Caution: Thar be spoilers ahead, yarrr.

As someone who barely turns a tv on, let alone actually has Favrit Shows, I was really a bit leery about the season premiere of Lost. I mean, season 1 was awesome, season 2 kind of fell on its face a lot (much like Kate, more on that in a minute), and season three left me asking more questions than it had answered. In fact, the finale of season 3 contained a new twist on the flashbacks we'd been seeing for the previous three years... flashforwards! In that episode, we learned that Kate and Jack and one other person (who died later on) made it off the island, and Jack was a drunken hot mess who still pined for Kate.

So last night, the new season began. It was everything I had hoped for. Again, a flashforward, this time with Hurley's story... and no one does crazy quite like Hurley. Now we know that he survived the island... but wait, what the hell is Charlie doing visiting him in the nuthouse? And why is the scary black guy from The Wire on there, claiming to be from Oceanic Air?

Meanwhile, back on the island, Naomi disappeared (guess Locke didn't stab her hard enough), everyone's excited about getting rescued, and Desmond (take off your shirt!) emerges from the sea to let everyone know (a) Charlie's kicked the bucket and (b) oh by the way, the rescue boat isn't what we think it is.

All the castaways reconvene at the beach, but not before Naomi drops out of a tree onto Kate and holds her at knifepoint. This is very important -- it means Kate really is the same Kate we saw last season and not an android or something. You know it's her because she always gets snuck up on/falls down while running/cries.

Hurley tells Claire that Charlie's dead, and then Locke gets into a confrontation with Jack. Best scene?

"You know you're not going to kill me, Jack."

:::click:::

That was sheer magic.

Once again, Locke and Jack are at odds, and the Losties are divided into two distinct camps. One group stays on the beach to await the rescue, the other goes off to the bunker. Best Line Ever award goes, naturally, to Ben Linus: "Jack, with your permission I'd like to go with John." No one masters the Snark like Ben Linus.

So here's the puzzler: Hurley went with Locke's group, not Jack's. Kate went with Jack. So at some point between now and when they (the Oceanic Six) eventually do get rescued, Hurley gets back to the same place as Jack and Kate.

Totally awesome episode, although I nearly wet my pants when Hurley was looking into Jacob's hut. Jesus. Who was that in the chair? It looked like Jack's dad... but who peeked out the window?

Only complaints: not enough Sawyer/Desmond/Sayid... I want my eye candy, damn it.

And who's the new guy who jumped out of the helicopter and says he's there to help?